i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
