I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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