guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
