I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize