We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
