being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
