so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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