tonight lets celebrate not being married
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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