Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
