My liver just broke up with me...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
