I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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