I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
