Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
