Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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