I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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