I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
