How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
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