I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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