and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
