I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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