If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
