we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
