Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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