ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
