Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
