haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
