So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
