i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
