I am spending my child support on dildos
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
