dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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