I'm going to jail i love you
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
