Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
