True but thats because hes a fetus.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
