Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
