After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
