He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
