I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am available for nakedness
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