I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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