he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
