She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize