somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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