her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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