Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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