nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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