just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
