Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
