Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
