i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
