I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
