Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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