I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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