I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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