I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
