I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
