I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
so much tequila, so little girl.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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