I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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