Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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