I'm going to jail i love you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
