It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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